A Quick Guide to Safe Words and Signals in Kink

Communication between partners is absolutely core to safe and pleasurable BDSM. Good communication skills are not only how you get to consent, but how you understand all the quirky little nuances of what your partner is craving in your session.

Of course, you could say the same for any interaction in day-to-day life, but when you're tying someone up and flogging them, the dynamic becomes a little different. As kinksters, we play with the gray areas where pain or fear transform into an exhilarating, liberatory pleasure.

When your sub is strapped to a St. Andrews' cross and crying out "No, please!" while you flog their genitals, they might really want you to stop — or maybe they're actually hitting the headspace that they were hoping for in the first place. And that's where safe words or signals come in: they provide a clear, unambiguous way to bring the action to a screeching halt when you need to.

Safe Words and Traffic Lights

Once restricted to underground kink communities, the concept of safe words has become common in pop culture over the past few decades, helped along by the rise of the internet. Now, you may even hear it pop up in even the most vanilla of settings.

When picking a safe word, there's a few things you want to keep in mind:

1. Keep it simple: In the heat of a scene, it's easy to forget your safe word (or in some cases, phrase), especially if it's something out of the ordinary. For an extreme example, we present this classic from XKCD:

2. Make it Clear: This especially applies when you're playing in a public dungeon or other noisy environment. If something has gone seriously wrong for the submissive, it's best if the safe word is easily recognizable, even when there's a lot of other things going on around you. The classic example of "banana" as a safe word is an excellent example, even though it started as a joke on Family Guy. "Banana" works because 1) It's not a word that's likely to come up as sexy talk in most BDSM scenes, unlike just saying "No!" or "Stop!"; 2) It has three distinct syllables, so that even if you miss part of the word, you can figure it out from the rest; and 3) it's a common enough word that it can be easily remembered, even in times of stress.
3. Easy to Say: Just as a hot and heavy kink scene might make it hard to hear a safe word, when the submissive is worked up, it might be hard to get certain words out: their head is swimming with sensation, their breath is heaving, and perhaps it's hard to get a particular word out. This goes back to the first point, but also why you might prefer to choose a safe signal instead, which we'll cover more below.

Traffic Lights: The Classic Safe Word System

Since time immemorial — or at least the 1970s, which is almost the same — one of the most well-known safe word systems is the "traffic light" system.

One of the things that's great about the traffic light system is that it introduces more flexibility and nuance than just a way to STOP all action. It provides the sub with not one but three safe words:

1. RED: Pretty straightforward. Stop everything NOW. Just like if you're cruising down the road and hit a red light, you hit the brakes and come to a halt.
2. YELLOW: Ease up or slow down. For instance, a sub might call "Yellow" during a flogging if they mostly like it, but you're coming down on their ass just a little too hard. Keep going, but be careful.
3. GREEN; Again, pretty self-explanatory. It means "keep going" or even "more of that, please." In the above example, it might be a way of saying "You call that a flogging? Bring that down on my ass harder, daddy."

When You Can't Speak, Use Nonverbal Signals

Safe words aren't always practical. Sometimes the sub is gagged, or otherwise has their mouth occupied. Sometimes the scene can just be so overwhelming that they can't get the words out. The latter is especially common with neurodivergent people who get overwhelmed by sensation: They can feel something going wrong or feeling unpleasant, but the words just won't come out.

It's for reasons like this that you might want to have a nonverbal safety signal prepared, either as a backup or as your primary.

As with safety words, safe signals can come in many forms, tailored to the practicalities of the scene. A few examples:

• If the submissive is gagged, give them a ball, wand, or set of keys to hold. If the object hits the floor, the scene stops.
• If the sub's hands are going to be free, a "thumbs up/down" signal or slapping a surface (or clapping, if the wrists are restrained) can serve as a signal.
• If the hands are completely restricted, as with bondage mittens, arranges some sort of movement of the legs, head, or other body part that's going to be relatively free. This could be nodding or shaking the head vigorously, kicking one foot out, or something else. What works as a signal in one scene may not work in another, so think of some ideas that work with your own kinks. The important thing is that whatever signal you use, make sure that all parties agree and understand it ahead of time.

What Happens When Someone Uses Their Safe Word or Signal?

First, STOP. Then calmly find out the problem and how to fix it. That might mean abandoning the scene entirely and sitting together with some coffee or tea while you both come down from the scene.

The important thing is that no one should ever be shamed for using their safe word. That's what they're for. If partners feel like using a safe word is a personal failure, that's almost as bad as not having one at all.