Kinky Desire: Where Does It Come From?
Ask twenty kinksters how they got their kinks and why, and you'll probably get thirty different answers, not including the ones who just give puzzled, ambivalent shrugs.
Most of us play this game to some extent as we progress on our kink journeys. Whether fueled by shame or curiosity, it's an irresistible question, especially there are so few people in our society willing to acknowledge such questions, never mind answer them. Even if we can't find a final answer to why one person finds such comfort in being bound in cotton ropes while another loves the feel of hemp, the process itself can reveal much about our desires, history, and needs.
Kink: Nature or Nurture?
The question of whether human behavior was governed by "nature or nurture" used to be a favorite pastime of philosophers, teachers, journalists, and pundits of all kinds. The debate was always framed as a straight binary: The answer should be one or the other.
Nowadays, the question has largely fallen out of favor because with our modern knowledge of genetics, neurology, and psychology, the answer is more likely to be "Well — it's kind of both. And in some kind of weird and complicated ways. "
Kink is rooted in the interplay between our physical bodies and our psychology, and it's hard to tell where one stops and one begins. In the past few years, there's been an increasingly robust discussion about why neurodivergent people — such as those with ADHD, autism, OCD, and so on — are disproportionately drawn to BDSM play. Cate Osborne (who recently taught a pair of classes on the subject at Stockroom University) gives some examples on her Instagram:
For people with ADHD, the structure and established boundaries of a BDSM scene provide a certain kind of comfort. For autistics who have trouble deciphering social cues, explicitly knowing what their partner wants and expects — and what they very much don't — can be a huge relief in and of itself. If you're neurodivergent, that sense of structure and clarity can be like a refuge from the struggle of trying to keep up with a world that feels chaotic and confusing.
What all of that comes down to is that the classic answer of "I dunno, I guess I'm just wired for kink," has a basis in reality. For many, it may be in the way our brains are wired or how our bodies respond to sensory stimuli. The important thing to remember is, that doesn't mean that if you're drawn to kink because of a different neurology, that in no way means that your brain is "broken," "bad," or "perverted." It's a difference, like being a blonde, brunette, or redhead.
Kink as Psychology
But neurology isn't enough to explain how people find their way to kink; our personal histories inevitably play a role as well. Whether you're neurotypical or neurodivergent, how you grow up, what you're taught, what you read, shapes your sexual desires. We live in a society where everything is laden with sexual meaning, even (or maybe especially) when the creators deny it to the hilt.
But how many of us remember feeling our first tingle of kink curiosity while seeing Batman or Wonder Woman get tied up and tormented by the supervillain of the week? Or Indiana Jones cracking his whip while sweat beaded up on his chest?
Popular culture hits us with many of those powerful images on the way to adulthood, and they get woven into adult sexual desires.
For some people, kink can also be a safe space to confront trauma. Samuel Hughes, a researcher in sexual diversity research, has talked about how this works:
Some kinky people, though certainly not the majority, have experienced trauma and hardship in their lives. Many of those who reported trauma and hardship talked about kink as a way to relive that hardship with a sense of healing and mastery over it. For example, a sexual assault survivor might initially feel afraid, weak, and powerless during their actual sexual assault. However, simulating that assault via consensual roleplaying with a trusted partner can help them feel powerful (because they consensually negotiated and agreed to it, and can use a safeword to stop the scene), strong (because they feel they can get through whatever physical pain or intensity comes their way), and brave, for facing what can often be dark times in their past head-on.
Once again, whether your kink comes from trauma, seeking out familiar comforts and safety from the past, or the pop culture of your youth, that doesn't make it pathological. It makes it another way of seeking pleasure and navigating your own psychological needs.
Continuing the Question
Even if you can't find a single final answer to where kinky desires come from — or even just where your kinky desires come from — asking the question is a great way to explore your history and learn how to talk about what those desires are.
We recommend checking out Stockroom University's upcoming Zoom class by Auntie Vice, which will help you find deeper insight on the complex mix of biology and psychology that produces kinky desires.
Getting to Your Kinky Core w/ Auntie Vice
Saturday, September 13 12:30 - 2:30 PM, PST
Wanting to engage in kinky play is one thing—but truly understanding where these desires come from can be much more complex.
Desiring kinky play is one thing—but understanding where those desires come from is something far more complex. Our kinky and sexual desires arise from a rich mix of innate biological drives, psychological patterns, cultural and social influences, personal values, and lived experiences. This class offers an in-depth yet accessible overview of how our desires are formed, shaped, and expressed.
Through exploring both the biological and psychological foundations of desire, participants will gain a deeper understanding of what fuels their unique needs. The class introduces a variety of practical tools and reflective methods to help individuals unpack and make sense of their desires—where they come from, what they mean, and how they influence their approach to play and relationships.
With this deeper insight, participants will be better equipped to navigate conversations, negotiate boundaries, and intentionally shape the kinds of play and connections that feel most fulfilling. Whether you're new to exploring your desires or looking to deepen your self-awareness, this class offers a thoughtful starting point for creating the relationships you truly want.
About the instructor:
Auntie Vice is a writer and kink educator. She holds a Ph.D. in Political Psychology and a BA in Psychology. Their work focuses on gender, power, and k ink/B DS M. She runs the award-winning blog LoveLettersToAUnicorn.com and has published several books, including The Big Workbook for Submissives, a finalist for the 2018 Golden Flogger Award. She has taught about k ink and submission for the past decade.
