BDSM 101: Some Basics of Kink

August 5, 2025

After you’ve been on your kink journey for a while, it’s easy to start feeling like articles covering BDSM 101 (like this one) are all over the place. But there’s several reasons that we keep coming back to the basics.

The main one is that when you are taking those first few steps into kink, it’s surprisingly hard to find the good, solid information that you need. Even in the age of the internet, pop culture shows bondage or impact play as what the bad guys do — or heroes who are exploring their dark, gritty side. Either way, it’s hard to look at what you get on movies and television without being hit by a mix of shame and information, both of which are deadly to having a good time.

If you’re taking those first few steps on your kink journey, here are a few things we think you should know first.

Consent in BDSM (and Sex)

This is the primary ethos behind all kink. The love scenes in movies and television always imply that if two people are really meant for each other, there shouldn’t be any need for talking. Each partner should just know what the other wants, whether it’s a kiss, a spanking, or full-on anal penetration.

Woman in lace black lingerie and burgundy red BDSM Gear with gold hardware including a leash and matching collar, bondage wrist restraint cuffs and a set of thigh cuffs. A man in a black suit sits behind her playing a black piano.

As adults, we should know that’s nonsense, and even more so when we’re not talking about a kiss, but playing with whips, paddles, and bondage cuffs. The potential for harm or trauma is great if you don’t understand exactly what turns your partner on and what makes them bored — or even sends them into a panic.

Boundaries can seem arbitrary. A partner might get hot at being called a “filthy slut” and freeze up when you call them a “bitch.” (Or vice versa.) Don’t assume that just because someone likes being spanked with a cane, they’re going to love getting flogged, or that nipple clamps will totally be their thing.

Safe Words and Safe Signals

The idea of safe words has actually made it into the mainstream over the last couple of decades. Even people whose closest experience with a dungeon is the bouncy castle a friend had for their tenth birthday party have a broad sense of what “safe word” means.

But safe words can be more complicated than they seem at first glance. For instance, you might want to have more than one. Or, you might want to use gestures or other non-verbal signals, depending on the person or situation.

The most common safe word system is known as the “traffic lights”:

RED: Stop NOW. No questions asked.
YELLOW: Don’t stop, but ease up a little bit. (Example: In a spanking scene, ease back on the force of your blows.)
GREEN: Do more of that. (Example: In the above spanking scene, spank harder.)

But the traffic lights often aren’t adequate, whether to the mood, the situation, or simply your own preferences. When coming up with a safe word or signal, keep these things in mind:

Both (or more) partners are going to be in a state of excitement and stress at the peak of a scene. Any word, phrase, or signal needs to be easy to remember and easy to recognize.
Take into account the noise level where the scene is taking place.
Some people will become nonverbal during a scene, especially if something goes wrong. You may want to back up your word with a signal, like having the submissive/bottom hold a ball or stick that they can release when they want things to stop.
Even if the safeword hasn’t been used, the Dominant/top should keep an eye on how the submissive is responding and check in if they’re acting differently than usual. (For instance, if their breathing becomes labored.)

Several years back, the comic strip XKCD gave a classic example of how not to choose your safe word. Keep it in mind.

Negotiation

Negotiation is how you get to the consent that we talked about in the first section.

At first, it’s not a word that’s likely to send erotic shivers down your spine. When you hear it, your first thought might be diplomats working out international trade relations or a stern-looking IRS bureaucrat poring over your last five years’ worth of tax records.

But in fact, negotiation is not just a necessary tool for consent; it’s a path to greater intimacy between you and your partner. For that matter, it’s an excellent way to think about and know your own desires (and limits) more thoroughly. Before you start your first kink scene, before you even start negotiating with your partner, you should take some time to think about what you want from kink. How do you want to feel at the end? What sensations do you want? What do you categorically not want? If you’re thinking about impact play, do you crave the solid THUD of a flogger, or the sharp sting of a crop? If bondage is calling to you, do you want complicated shibari-style rope work, or the simpler, quicker approach of leather restraints or bondage tape?

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To take on these questions — whether by yourself or with someone else — you might want to check out some of the questionnaires and forms available online. The ever-valuable Scarleteen sex education site has a Yes/No/Maybe form that’s not kink-oriented, but nevertheless can serve as an example of how to start thinking about desires and boundaries.

For something more specifically geared to kink, rope bondage community The Duchy has a good checklist that incorporates both your kink history and your kink wants.

These two are just examples of what you’re going to find out there. If you wind up starting with something like this, feel free to adapt it to your needs. Nothing you find is going to be exactly what you want.

When you get down to negotiating with a partner about hard and soft limits, try to approach the discussion with candor, honesty, and lack of judgement. One person’s kink might be a turn-off to the other, but laughing or expressing disgust will kill the mood entirely.

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Protocols

BDSM protocols can range from casual rules of etiquette within a relationship or scene to rituals so strictly defined they would make a Marine boot camp sergeant blush.

Protocols may be as basic as using a title (Miss, Mx, Sir, Master, etc.) when a submissive speaks to their dominant, or as complex as wearing specific clothing and asking permission to do basic things ranging from going to the bathroom to having an orgasm.

Protocols can be loosely placed into three categories: Low, Medium, and High. Where you divide the line between them is up to you, and frankly, a good way to start heated debate at your local munch. Nevertheless, here’s some general guidelines:

Low Protocol

Low Protocol can be used in scene because the partners are satisfied with that level of formality, or outside of scene as a way to be kinky in the vanilla world without giving yourselves away. For instance, a submissive might wear a necklace or other jewelry as a symbolic collar in public and at work. Padlock necklaces have become common enough in the modern world that someone could be wearing it as part of a punk-ish aesthetic or as part of their kink identity. It’s a case of hiding in plain sight.

Low protocol can also include honorifics or titles that are used only within scenes.

Medium Protocol

If low protocol is the equivalent of casual Friday, medium protocol might be thought of as office gear for the rest of the week. It’s probably a little too much to be used while having dinner with your in-laws, but just right for public kink events such as munches, public dungeons, conventions, and events like Pride parades or Folsom Street. This might include the submissive wearing a more obvious collar or even restraints, maintaining specific postures, and both partners using their agreed-upon titles when others are present. (e.g., “Daddy,” “Pup,” etc.)

High Protocol

High Protocol is the equivalent of getting out your finest tux or evening gown and dressing up to the nines, with fully-prescribed etiquette for both Dominant and submissive. It’s a lot of work, and not something that you just jump into after attending a munch or two. Or even after just meeting a partner.

High protocol might be geared for specific events, such as high teas or formal dinners where the submissives serve the Dominant and their guests. Small things such as when eye contact is appropriate, or whether the submissive needs permission to speak.

Wrapping it Up

There is, of course, much more than we can cover here, even simply in addressing the 101s of BDSM. If you want to know more, we hope that you’ll join us at Stockroom University on August 9, when Mistress Wicked will teach a 2-hour class (available in-person and online).